Most Beautiful Songs I Know...

Just a list of some beautiful songs, ones with great meaning and often have a powerful singer:

Angels and Demons by Melissa Otero: I heard this song on Dance Moms and I was amazed I had not heard of this woman before. She has an amazing voice and it is a powerful song to me.

I Want to Know What Love is by Foreigner: This varies by individual, but I say I want to dance to this song at my wedding should I ever maybe get married...or better yet, should anyone stand me long enough to actually want me to be their wife, which probably won't happen. Oh well, song still speaks to me.

When Love Takes You In by Steven Curtis Chapman: I'm not Christian, so his music is useless to me in general, however as an advocate of legal and safe adoption to children abandoned/neglected and/or orphaned in the U.S and across the globe and against the trafficking of any child, this song is one of the best I've heard on this subject. Only problem with it is the idea that love is enough to parent these children, who have likely experienced and lived in circumstances we could imagine in our worst nightmares. PTSD is not unheard of in foster children and children in orphanages often have institutionalized behavior problems such as overeating and food hoarding and aggression. Like all children in new environments, they're going to test their boundaries and see what they can get away with as well and no, they don't have to be grateful to their adoptive parents. They never asked for their circumstances in the first place.

On a similar note,
This is to Mother You by Sinead O'Conner: Just a beautiful song and I think it fits in with adoption perfectly. Sinead is quite a powerful singer.

Woman in Chains by Tears for Fears with Oleta Adams: A sad, but powerful song with the message it is trying to tell.

Requiem for A Dream by Clint Mansell: Just a powerful song, especially when aware of what the movie is about.

Hellfire and God Help The Outcasts from the Disney movie of the Hunchback of Notre Dame: Such a powerful story for child's movie and honestly surprised they were able to make it child-like, yet incorporate such adult themes of religion and politics into the film as well. Well done Disney...the sequel is total shit on a stick though, so don't bother if you haven't seen it.

Any other songs you find beautiful and/or powerful? Ones that evoke an emotional response from you in some way? Feel free to share.

Icky, Icky, Icky

I am sick. Not sure what's going on with my body, but it has been in disarray for about 48 hours now. My neck and back are killing me. My legs feel a bit better, but I feel like I'm on the verge of developing a sinus headache and have all day. The fatigue is overwhelming and all I have done or wanted to do today is sleep. Thanks to Kaopectate, my intestines have calmed down for the time being. The rest of the issues have only popped up today. I need to feel better tomorrow because I have a lot to get done that I was unable to do today thanks to this random malaise that's taken over. I also need to be stabbed in the arms Thursday. Weekly allergy injections are so much fun.

 

Photo from Microsoft Office Online

 

It's way too early for flu season and I don't believe it's the flu I have. I think it was something I ate and my neck and back pain are from lack of exercise and too much time lying down watching movies I own or on YouTube most of the day yesterday and today. Sinus headache feeling is problem from all the allergy issues lately and exhaustion is from being ill.

*Apologies to trypanophobics and aichmophobics who may see the above photo. No harm intended.

50 Years Ago Today

Today makes 50 years since Martin Luther King Jr gave his famous "I have a dream" speech and today I am wondering how much different things are in 50 years. Are we equal or close to equal or is there still a gap that needs filled for equality to happen?

If you wish to read the entire speech, you can do so here.

Finally!

I passed my test, so I am finally, FINALLY going to graduate college. Things are looking up just a little for once. There's a little light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is barely noticeable. One journey down. So many more to go.

Back-to-School is always hard

 

This is the last full week of summer for children in the local school district. The local stores and ads are there to remind everyone of this time of the year where parents cheer and children moan. It is also my little brother's last year in school. I can't believe my youngest sibling is almost grown and my mother is not enjoying that school is starting extra early this year. I think almost all children feel the same, for different reasons.

I don't have any children, so the start of a new school year doesn't mean shuffling unhappy children to buy backpacks, lunchbags, notebooks, pencils and tissue boxes. Yet, there's a sadness within me. No, I am not in any hurry to have a school-age children. I prefer to go from infancy on up, giving me at least six years, but likely more since I am not currently pregnant and don't intend to get pregnant right now, before I have to drop a child off at the local elementary school and wave good-bye. No, I am not sad to not have a child in school. Being childless is great right now with my busy life. I feel like I neglect my dogs sometimes, so having a baby that can't fend for itself and can't be left alone for obvious reasons is a bad idea right now. Certainly one day I hope I will be able to be a mother. I am glad I can go and do what I want without concerning myself with what I will do with a child.

I was going to be a teacher. A preschool/primary teacher to be exact. I still wish I was able to be one, but right now that cannot happen. And this is where my phobias interfere with my life. I can't do what I really want to do because of this and as the school year starts, a pain grips me inside as I look in. Seeing some of my friends discuss their school year and classrooms, especially those I started education with, a heaviness comes up in my chest and throat. I should be with them. I should be getting stuff for my classroom. I should be graduated and with a salary and a better place of my own by now, but I am not prepping for new students to teach and instead am stressed out trying to graduate and to find steady work I can do with no luck at the current moment.

I must work on my phobias and get my OCD under control because it's all ruined my life for far too long and I have allowed to do so. I can't cater to my fears any longer. Maybe, just maybe, one day I will get the life I always hoped to have. Well, no one said I had to stop dreaming, no matter how unrealistic it seems. I know it's all unrealistic, but when the dreams stop, so does the hope of a brighter future and the loss of hope is the loss of everything. Once you lose all hope of something getting better, life is over and I couldn't possibly live if I didn't have a small hope left of a better tomorrow. So, I will keep working on it and keeping hoping that one day, one day things truly will get better. I couldn't function if I told myself otherwise.

On a separate note, as a new school year comes upon us, let us all remember the families affected by tragedy and how hard it will be for parents who lose their children and won't be going through any of the motions they should be due to needless loss. I may feel sad, but my sadness will never come close to theirs. I will be thinking of such families. I will be thinking also of children who have a very difficult time in school or who may be bullied and are dreading a new school year and hope this year that things will be better for them.
(Images from Microsoft Office and NHS.uk)

One last chance

Tomorrow I am taking a DSST and this will be my last chance to graduate by August so I am crossing my fingers to just pass this time. Twice I have taken a science clep/dsst and twice I have missed the score by one point. If I miss this one again, I will have to believe I am cursed because seriously? It's not like I'm not studying each time or studying hard because I am. The nerves are going to really hit tomorrow afternoon.

Making a Confession About My Main Phobia

I have a confession to make...I have emetophobia. What is emetophobia? It's a very intense and quite irrational fear of vomit or vomiting. It is both for me.
 

I am not really sure when it all started, but I was very young, like six when I think the fear manifested itself. Now at age 24 I still have it and for any unaware readers, it sucks. I can't do so many things because this fear does control my life and so far no therapist had been able to help me. Unlike some fears, the act of vomiting isn't enough to cure it. Since my first panic attack related to vomit at the age of six I have vomited a few times and I can actually tell you how many times I have thrown up in my life as well. That's the life of an emetophobe. All were mild bugs for the most part, but none of the times were enough to stop my fear of puking. During the act and right after, you do think it's not that bad, but once better and life starts again, the fear comes right back the next time someone says they don't feel well. I dread every fall knowing the stomach viruses will be coming again in full force.


That's the other thing. As soon as someone says they don't feel well, the unease comes instantly and I become shaky before I even know what's wrong with them. And when someone says their stomach hurts, the adrenaline starts pumping through my veins. If they say they feel like they wanna puke, it's over and I want to run from the room and disinfect everything and when I am home I do. And I shower and make sure to get every millimeter I think may have been exposed to the sickness. It's not normal. And for years I believed I was the only one with this problem. No one else would run from the room at the thought of illness in someone. No one else seemed to be constantly living in fear of seeing vomit or someone vomiting.
 

The rituals are ridiculous and I have also been diagnosed with OCD because of my fearful obsessions and compulsive behavior related to emetophobia and I do think emetophobia and OCD are related. I have heard it said that emetophobia is an OCD and it's not per say, but let's face it, OCD often seems to manifest itself in this phobia because it creates obsessions and compulsions that are far from the norm.
 

I notice and do things normal people don't do. And by normal, I mean the average person.

When there's a parked car at the side of the road, I panic and fear someone pulled over to get sick. I have not seen anyone pulled over to get sick because I notice. They are almost always broken down or seem lost or need to secure something better. Twice I can recall seeing someone getting sick while driving and I went into a full-fledged panic attack.


I almost never go out to eat and when I do I eat very little because I fear someone will throw up or I will see vomit and get sick after I eat.

I refuse to drink for fear of becoming ill and avoid others who are drinking or partying thinking they will vomit.

I will not go into a bar or club because people throw up in them all the time.

I fear going near a school. Though I would love to be a teacher, I cannot do so because kids will throw up and I can't deal with the stomach bugs that float around schools all the time.

I won't fly or go in a boat or use public transportation because I will see vomit and panic or someone will vomit and I cannot escape.


I watch sell-by dates and am gun-ho on not cross contaminating my raw meats with cooked foods and raw fruits and vegetables.

I will not eat certain vegetables or salad mixes until I see someone else eat it and after 24-48 hours and I can see that they are not ill so I won't get food poisoning.

I overcook my meats and pastas and rice often because it's better to be too done than underdone.

I rarely eat meats or most vegetables or some fruits out and especially if they are cut up beforehand because I don't trust that they did it right and I won't get sick. Norovirus is often spread through contaminated foods from an infected person, especially lettuce.



While I really, really want children one day the idea of being pregnant and having morning sickness is terrifying and even more so is the reality that yes, children will get sick and how I will handle it. I don’t want to run away when they throw up. That’s when they want and need attention most of all, when they are sick. How can I deal? I honestly don’t know right now.  
 
I watch all around me all the time overly aware of people who don't look well in my book and the possibility of vomit on the ground. Spilled things worry me until I realize what it actually is because my mind goes to one thing before any rational part can get there and that is "vomit!" Rainy days are best because puke washes away in the rain.
 

It doesn't matter how many times I have seen vomit, seen someone vomit or vomited myself, this fear is still there and it controls everything. And why, oh why, does it seem that people feel the need to tell me specifically about how they were vomiting and having diarrhea really bad last night? Or their children were? Why are you here? Why are you working? Why are your children here if you are sick? Please, please just stay home! I know many people see my fear as irrational and it is, but I do have this fear and telling me about your child puking up triple berry pancakes over the side of his bed this morning is not something I want to hear about. It's way, way worse than hearing about your toddler pooping in the big boy potty all by himself yesterday, though I don't wanna hear that either, but at least I know your tot was probably quite proud of himself. Not so with vomit stories. I don't want to know.

A few weeks ago a story came across my local news that local schools have been hit hard with the stomach bug and I panic. Though I have no children, let alone school age children, I go to a college with people who have young children and people have been catching nasty bugs right now. From October to May, I want to wear a hazmat suit. I seriously would if I wouldn’t look insane.
It wasn't until about a year ago that I learned my condition had a name and that is a leading phobia. I have discovered via internet that I am not alone in this phobia and I was reading lists of what other emetophobias claimed to do and I was in total shock because it was like I was reading about my life. There's nothing more comforting than to know that you are not a freak, that you are not alone in your problems.

Fellow emetophobics of the world, you are not alone. If you feel jittery when someone says they don’t feel well before you even know if it is their stomach that feels sick, I can relate. If parked cars and eating out make you nervous, I get it. Take heart. I truly do understand you. And so do about 1 million others. We can all get through this, no matter how scary it is. Never give up, it can be cured and life is worth it.
With Love,

CMarie