Finding Peace

Each day brings more peace and more chaos.

Each day I am coming to acceptance of my reality.

Each day I must weight the risks and benefits of my treatment plan.

Each day there is a little sorrow and a little happiness

Each day I think about my future and if it will be what I always thought it would.

Each day I grow both stronger and weaker.

The journey is long. The journey is hard. The journey is life. Short as it is.

It is hard, but I try to not dwell on what is beyond my control. I like to be in control. That's where the anxiety gets me. Control. I fight for it. I desire it. I can't stand not having it. But the fear of losing control has created a lack of control in my own mind and body. It is keeping me trapped. Keeping me from moving forward. Keeping me from acceptance. There is not freedom when everyday is a battle for control within myself.

Only I can win this fight against myself. Only I can determine my future. I have all the control I need and it's time I use it. I will win this fight. I won't back down.

My fears will not hold me back any longer. They've taken my past. They cannot have my future.

Each day I am healing. And growing. I feel well within my mind and body. I have been empowered.

End of May, time does fly...

So...what's been going on around here

I took my first ever flight. It was scary, but I did it. I only had one little panic attack on the way there. The trip was lots of fun and did a lot of walking too. It was to Washington D.C. I had never been before, so it was cool to finally go. Someone was protesting across the street from the White House and the flag was up, so it seems the President was home that day.

We also learned to never trust phone GPS walking routes. It's better to look at a map and see for yourself because GPS will take you the long way. We saw the National History Museum and Art museum and got yelled out for getting too close to the pictures, of which they do not have roped off, which is odd. Lots of people were getting yelled at, not just us, as there are old statues right in the middle and so much as walking around them a little too close got people in trouble. I really do not know why things were not roped off so there would not be any accidently getting too close, but what do I know.

Also, DC traffic/pedestrian crossing times were all out of whack.

The cherry blossoms were still in bloom when we went so we got some gorgeous pictures of the trees. And met a lovely lady in the process...aka, a very rude tourist,

The weather for us was wonderful, which was great. Also got to see a parade and watch poor people struggle with a stuck float. Oops.

Flight back hit some air pockets and we were in the back row, so felt the bumpy flight quite well.

Since then, finished up classes and my brother graduated high school. My sister is about to take her boards to get her nursing certification or something to that effect. I don't know how it works exactly, but apparently she can't be an RN until she passes some test, despite having a BSN.

I had surgery over a week ago and next Tuesday I will go for a final flushing and follow-up and should be all better for a time. I did get a diagnosis with the surgery and they actually removed a tiny tumor, which was benign, but ick. They gave me pictures of it and I named it the Evil Little Martian, because that's what it looks like.

I also found out that apparently I am missing one credit hour, so I am taking an Intro to Psychology CLEP exam on Friday. Hope I pass because I want that damn degree and not getting it for one credit hour for a class I don't even need, and not telling me I am missing one hour as classes end is just AHHHHHHHH.

Okay, better.

So, that's what's been happening. And job hunting. And helping my parents prepare to move. And puppy sitting my sister and her boyfriend's dog still. Other than that, rather boring.

Turning over a new leaf

I am changing the tone of this blog entirely to focus one thing...my anxiety, depression, OCD and panic disorder issues and phobias. I will be focusing on my recovery as I am working very hard on the recovery.

Per the previous post, I did not juice each day, got too busy, but definitely increased my fruit and vegetable and overall healthy food intake. I have not any potato chips besides Sunchips in about a month. I have been greatly decreasing my sugar and salt intake. I have not had any french fries for almost two weeks. Also been taking more calcium and magnesium and alfalfa capsules. And of course, trying to stay more active.

I will flying for the first time in about two weeks, a huge leap for me, but I am excited and nervous all in one.

I feel my vomit phobia is getting better. I am handling movie and tv show vomiting much, much better than I ever used to handle it. There was a top phobias list and emetophobia was on it and the clip was graphic, but I actually laughed at it...I laughed, me. That's such a huge leap of progress for me and I am hopeful for the future.

Making a Confession About My Main Phobia

I have a confession to make...I have emetophobia. What is emetophobia? It's a very intense and quite irrational fear of vomit or vomiting. It is both for me.
 

I am not really sure when it all started, but I was very young, like six when I think the fear manifested itself. Now at age 24 I still have it and for any unaware readers, it sucks. I can't do so many things because this fear does control my life and so far no therapist had been able to help me. Unlike some fears, the act of vomiting isn't enough to cure it. Since my first panic attack related to vomit at the age of six I have vomited a few times and I can actually tell you how many times I have thrown up in my life as well. That's the life of an emetophobe. All were mild bugs for the most part, but none of the times were enough to stop my fear of puking. During the act and right after, you do think it's not that bad, but once better and life starts again, the fear comes right back the next time someone says they don't feel well. I dread every fall knowing the stomach viruses will be coming again in full force.


That's the other thing. As soon as someone says they don't feel well, the unease comes instantly and I become shaky before I even know what's wrong with them. And when someone says their stomach hurts, the adrenaline starts pumping through my veins. If they say they feel like they wanna puke, it's over and I want to run from the room and disinfect everything and when I am home I do. And I shower and make sure to get every millimeter I think may have been exposed to the sickness. It's not normal. And for years I believed I was the only one with this problem. No one else would run from the room at the thought of illness in someone. No one else seemed to be constantly living in fear of seeing vomit or someone vomiting.
 

The rituals are ridiculous and I have also been diagnosed with OCD because of my fearful obsessions and compulsive behavior related to emetophobia and I do think emetophobia and OCD are related. I have heard it said that emetophobia is an OCD and it's not per say, but let's face it, OCD often seems to manifest itself in this phobia because it creates obsessions and compulsions that are far from the norm.
 

I notice and do things normal people don't do. And by normal, I mean the average person.

When there's a parked car at the side of the road, I panic and fear someone pulled over to get sick. I have not seen anyone pulled over to get sick because I notice. They are almost always broken down or seem lost or need to secure something better. Twice I can recall seeing someone getting sick while driving and I went into a full-fledged panic attack.


I almost never go out to eat and when I do I eat very little because I fear someone will throw up or I will see vomit and get sick after I eat.

I refuse to drink for fear of becoming ill and avoid others who are drinking or partying thinking they will vomit.

I will not go into a bar or club because people throw up in them all the time.

I fear going near a school. Though I would love to be a teacher, I cannot do so because kids will throw up and I can't deal with the stomach bugs that float around schools all the time.

I won't fly or go in a boat or use public transportation because I will see vomit and panic or someone will vomit and I cannot escape.


I watch sell-by dates and am gun-ho on not cross contaminating my raw meats with cooked foods and raw fruits and vegetables.

I will not eat certain vegetables or salad mixes until I see someone else eat it and after 24-48 hours and I can see that they are not ill so I won't get food poisoning.

I overcook my meats and pastas and rice often because it's better to be too done than underdone.

I rarely eat meats or most vegetables or some fruits out and especially if they are cut up beforehand because I don't trust that they did it right and I won't get sick. Norovirus is often spread through contaminated foods from an infected person, especially lettuce.



While I really, really want children one day the idea of being pregnant and having morning sickness is terrifying and even more so is the reality that yes, children will get sick and how I will handle it. I don’t want to run away when they throw up. That’s when they want and need attention most of all, when they are sick. How can I deal? I honestly don’t know right now.  
 
I watch all around me all the time overly aware of people who don't look well in my book and the possibility of vomit on the ground. Spilled things worry me until I realize what it actually is because my mind goes to one thing before any rational part can get there and that is "vomit!" Rainy days are best because puke washes away in the rain.
 

It doesn't matter how many times I have seen vomit, seen someone vomit or vomited myself, this fear is still there and it controls everything. And why, oh why, does it seem that people feel the need to tell me specifically about how they were vomiting and having diarrhea really bad last night? Or their children were? Why are you here? Why are you working? Why are your children here if you are sick? Please, please just stay home! I know many people see my fear as irrational and it is, but I do have this fear and telling me about your child puking up triple berry pancakes over the side of his bed this morning is not something I want to hear about. It's way, way worse than hearing about your toddler pooping in the big boy potty all by himself yesterday, though I don't wanna hear that either, but at least I know your tot was probably quite proud of himself. Not so with vomit stories. I don't want to know.

A few weeks ago a story came across my local news that local schools have been hit hard with the stomach bug and I panic. Though I have no children, let alone school age children, I go to a college with people who have young children and people have been catching nasty bugs right now. From October to May, I want to wear a hazmat suit. I seriously would if I wouldn’t look insane.
It wasn't until about a year ago that I learned my condition had a name and that is a leading phobia. I have discovered via internet that I am not alone in this phobia and I was reading lists of what other emetophobias claimed to do and I was in total shock because it was like I was reading about my life. There's nothing more comforting than to know that you are not a freak, that you are not alone in your problems.

Fellow emetophobics of the world, you are not alone. If you feel jittery when someone says they don’t feel well before you even know if it is their stomach that feels sick, I can relate. If parked cars and eating out make you nervous, I get it. Take heart. I truly do understand you. And so do about 1 million others. We can all get through this, no matter how scary it is. Never give up, it can be cured and life is worth it.
With Love,

CMarie

Movies to Avoid-Emetophobia

~Updated 5/29/2014~


Movies with Vomit scenes for the Emetophobe (those who fear/hate vomit):

10 Things I Hate About You

12 Years A Slave

21 and Over

21 Jump Street

28 days later

50 first dates (walrus vomit)

50/50

A Child's Wish

A Clockwork Orange

A Lonely Place to Die

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Adventureland

Airplane!

Albino Farm

Alien

Alien 1 (robot only) & 2

Alien Armageddon

Aliens (robot only)

All I Wanna Do

American Horror Story 1 & 2

American Pie

Amityville Horror

Angela's Ashes

Animal House

Anne of Green Gables

Apollo 13

Are We There Yet?

Armageddon

Armageddon

A-Team

Atonement

Audition

Bad Taste

Bag of Bones

Battle Royale 1 & 2

Beautiful

Benjamin Button

Big Daddy

Black Swan

Blades of Glory

Blitz

Boogeyman 2

Born into Brothels

Bourne Identity

Breaking Dawn

Bridesmaids

Bring It On

Brokeback Mountain

Bruno

Bully

Burt Wonderstone

Butterfly Effect

Cabin Fever 1 & 2

Caddyshack

Candy

Car Wash

Carnage

Carrie's War

Catch Me If You Can

Cheaper by the Dozen

Chronicle

City of the Living Dead

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Columbiana

Come See the Paradise

Constantine

Contracted

Crank: High Voltage

Crazy Jones

Dark Water

Date Night

Dawn-Anna

Day of the Dead 2

Daybreakers

Daywalkers

Dead Silence

Death Row

Detention

Detroit Rock City

District 9

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Doc Hollywood

Dog Fight

Dog Soldiers

Don’t mess with the Zohan

Don't say a word

Drop Dead Gorgeous

Due Date

Dumb and Dumber

Duplex

Dying Young

Edge of Darkness

Elizabethtown

Elysium

Epic Movie

Evil Dead

Exorcist

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Filth

Four Rooms

From Hell

Funny Games

Gattaca

Get Him to the Greek

Get Over It

Get Smart

Ghostship

Girl Interrupted

Girls against Boys

God of Carnage

Gossip

Gossip

Green River Killer

Green River Killer

Grind                                    

Grown Ups 2

Guest House Paradiso

Guesthouse

Halloween 2 (Rob Zombie remake)

Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets (2)

Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince (6)

Hart’s War

Hatchet

Haunting in Connecticut

Henry Fool

Here Comes the Boom

Hero Wanted

Holes

Hope Floats

Horrible Bosses

Hostel

Hot Rods

Hot Tub Time Machine

House at the End of the Street

How High 

Hush

I Love You, Man

In Her Shoes

In Time

In-Betweeners

Inception

Independence Day

Into the Wild

Isolated

It’s Kind of a Funny Story

Jackass (all of them)

Jarhead

Jennifer's Body

John Dies at the End

Joyeux Noel

Juno

Kaboom

Kick Ass 2

Kickin' It Old Skool

Killer Elite

Kindergarten Cop

Knocked Up

Lakewood Terrace

Land of the Dead

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector

Last Hours in Suburbia

Leap Year

Let the Right One In

Letter to God

Like Minds

Limitless

Little Fockers

Little Manhattan

Look Who’s Talking

Looper

Machete

Man of Steel

Mean Girls

Minority Report

Mission Impossible

Monster’s Ball

Monty Python's: The Meaning of Life

Moon

Mutant Chronicles

My Sister’s Keeper

Naked Gun 33 1/3

Nanny McPhee Returns

Natural Born Killers

Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

No Country for Old Man

Now Is Good

Open House

Osmosis Jones

Pacific Rim

Pan's Labyrinth

Parenthood

Pineapple Express

Pinocchio 964

Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest

Pitch Perfect

Planet 51

Planet Terror

Poltergeist 1 & 2

Pontypool

Precious

Problem Child 2

Project X

Prometheus 

Pulp Fiction

Puncture

Quarantine

Quarantine 2-Terminal

Ramona & Beezus

Remember Me

Remember the Titans

Requiem for a Dream

Riding in Cars with Boys

Rocky (newest one)

Rules of Attraction

Rush

Safe

Salo

Saving Private Ryan

Saw 2 and 3

Seabiscuit

Serenity

She’s All That

Showgirls

Shrek the Third

Shrooms

Shutter

Sin City

Six Feet Under

Skyline

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

Sleepaway Camp 2

Sleeping Beauty

Slumdog Millionare

Soul Surfer

Squall

Stand By Me

Starstruck

Stealing Beauty

Stepmom

Stoker

Super Bad

Super Size Me (documentary-real vomit)

Super Troopers

Sweet Home Alabama

Take Shelter

Take the Lead

Tamera 

Team America: World Police

Ten Things I hate about you

That’s My Boy

The 40 year old Virgin

The Art of Getting By

The Audition

The Backup Plan

The Birds

The Butterfly Effect

The Challenge

The Children

The Conjuring

The Crying Game

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

The Descent 1 & 2

The Exorcist

The Fly

The Fourth Kind

The Good Girl

The Green Mile

The Grudge 2

The Hangover

The Help

The Hitcher (older version, remake is safe)

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

The Hole

The House Next Door

The Hunger Games 2

The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

The International

The Invasion

The Last King of Scotland

The Lost Tribe

The Matrix

The Nest

The New Daughter

The Officers Ward

The Original Sin

The Painted Veil

The Parole Officer

The Pest

The Piano

The Place beyond the Pines

The Pregnancy Pact

The Reader

The Rebound

The Return of the Living Dead

The Ring

The Rum Diary

The Sandlot

The Sixth Sense

The Social Network

The Transporter

The Unborn

The Wedding Singer

The Whole Nine Yards

The Wolf of Wall Street

The Woman in Black

The World's End

The Wrestler

Thelma & Louise

Third Star

Torchwood

Trainspotting

Trick or Treat

Trishna

Tropic Thunder

Uptown Girls

Urban Legend

V: The Final Battle

Van Wilder

Water for Elephants

Wedding Crashers

Wicked Things

Witchboard

Witches of Eastwick

World’s End

Zapped