Why?

I am burdened by the horror of humanity once more. It is true that we just cannot know what's going in the minds of other people. None of this is to invoke paranoia, but fact. It's been nine months since the horrific murders of innocent first grade children took place in Connecticut. We are saddened as a nation and across the world, but because we did not know anyone involved, we forget about it. It's not that we just don't care about the parents' needless grief because we do. We just cannot possibly spend all our time mourning the deaths of people we never met before. We could not survive if we tried to mourn the deaths that occur every single day across the globe. There's an estimated 6,000 people who die every hour, which is well over a 100,000 each day. It's not not feasible to be aware and mourn everyone.
What's my point? Where am I headed? Well, let's just say some really scary people exist in this world. I'm sure we all know this and any adult who does not has clearly not been a part of civilization in their lifetime. But even with this awareness, we cannot spend our lives in fear that someone is going to harm us. We are aware and take precautions, make sure we are aware of our surroundings and all that jazz, but we can't not go out or hide in our built-in fallout shelter of paranoia with stocked food waiting to die for fear someone harming us. It's not likely that anything will happen while we are out and about living life.
However, the reminder of the threats still out there came tumbling down on me the other day when I learned of the news that my alumni elementary school had recently been a minor lock down while police searched the school. It was only local news, so few people are aware of what happened. The janitor had apparently planned on making gas bombs to go off in the cafeteria. Stomach-sinking sick. I don't care if he was joking or not, that's one disturbed way to make a joke. It's the life of innocent children we are talking about here. Thankfully he was arrested and everything was fine, but it was certainly jarring to hear.
Once again I say, no child should be dropped off at school in the morning and not come home safe in the afternoon/evening. No parent should have to fear that when they drop their child off it could be the last time they ever see them alive. School should be safe. We need to make sure it is the best we can.

Most Beautiful Songs I Know...

Just a list of some beautiful songs, ones with great meaning and often have a powerful singer:

Angels and Demons by Melissa Otero: I heard this song on Dance Moms and I was amazed I had not heard of this woman before. She has an amazing voice and it is a powerful song to me.

I Want to Know What Love is by Foreigner: This varies by individual, but I say I want to dance to this song at my wedding should I ever maybe get married...or better yet, should anyone stand me long enough to actually want me to be their wife, which probably won't happen. Oh well, song still speaks to me.

When Love Takes You In by Steven Curtis Chapman: I'm not Christian, so his music is useless to me in general, however as an advocate of legal and safe adoption to children abandoned/neglected and/or orphaned in the U.S and across the globe and against the trafficking of any child, this song is one of the best I've heard on this subject. Only problem with it is the idea that love is enough to parent these children, who have likely experienced and lived in circumstances we could imagine in our worst nightmares. PTSD is not unheard of in foster children and children in orphanages often have institutionalized behavior problems such as overeating and food hoarding and aggression. Like all children in new environments, they're going to test their boundaries and see what they can get away with as well and no, they don't have to be grateful to their adoptive parents. They never asked for their circumstances in the first place.

On a similar note,
This is to Mother You by Sinead O'Conner: Just a beautiful song and I think it fits in with adoption perfectly. Sinead is quite a powerful singer.

Woman in Chains by Tears for Fears with Oleta Adams: A sad, but powerful song with the message it is trying to tell.

Requiem for A Dream by Clint Mansell: Just a powerful song, especially when aware of what the movie is about.

Hellfire and God Help The Outcasts from the Disney movie of the Hunchback of Notre Dame: Such a powerful story for child's movie and honestly surprised they were able to make it child-like, yet incorporate such adult themes of religion and politics into the film as well. Well done Disney...the sequel is total shit on a stick though, so don't bother if you haven't seen it.

Any other songs you find beautiful and/or powerful? Ones that evoke an emotional response from you in some way? Feel free to share.

Icky, Icky, Icky

I am sick. Not sure what's going on with my body, but it has been in disarray for about 48 hours now. My neck and back are killing me. My legs feel a bit better, but I feel like I'm on the verge of developing a sinus headache and have all day. The fatigue is overwhelming and all I have done or wanted to do today is sleep. Thanks to Kaopectate, my intestines have calmed down for the time being. The rest of the issues have only popped up today. I need to feel better tomorrow because I have a lot to get done that I was unable to do today thanks to this random malaise that's taken over. I also need to be stabbed in the arms Thursday. Weekly allergy injections are so much fun.

 

Photo from Microsoft Office Online

 

It's way too early for flu season and I don't believe it's the flu I have. I think it was something I ate and my neck and back pain are from lack of exercise and too much time lying down watching movies I own or on YouTube most of the day yesterday and today. Sinus headache feeling is problem from all the allergy issues lately and exhaustion is from being ill.

*Apologies to trypanophobics and aichmophobics who may see the above photo. No harm intended.

50 Years Ago Today

Today makes 50 years since Martin Luther King Jr gave his famous "I have a dream" speech and today I am wondering how much different things are in 50 years. Are we equal or close to equal or is there still a gap that needs filled for equality to happen?

If you wish to read the entire speech, you can do so here.

Finally!

I passed my test, so I am finally, FINALLY going to graduate college. Things are looking up just a little for once. There's a little light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is barely noticeable. One journey down. So many more to go.

Back-to-School is always hard

 

This is the last full week of summer for children in the local school district. The local stores and ads are there to remind everyone of this time of the year where parents cheer and children moan. It is also my little brother's last year in school. I can't believe my youngest sibling is almost grown and my mother is not enjoying that school is starting extra early this year. I think almost all children feel the same, for different reasons.

I don't have any children, so the start of a new school year doesn't mean shuffling unhappy children to buy backpacks, lunchbags, notebooks, pencils and tissue boxes. Yet, there's a sadness within me. No, I am not in any hurry to have a school-age children. I prefer to go from infancy on up, giving me at least six years, but likely more since I am not currently pregnant and don't intend to get pregnant right now, before I have to drop a child off at the local elementary school and wave good-bye. No, I am not sad to not have a child in school. Being childless is great right now with my busy life. I feel like I neglect my dogs sometimes, so having a baby that can't fend for itself and can't be left alone for obvious reasons is a bad idea right now. Certainly one day I hope I will be able to be a mother. I am glad I can go and do what I want without concerning myself with what I will do with a child.

I was going to be a teacher. A preschool/primary teacher to be exact. I still wish I was able to be one, but right now that cannot happen. And this is where my phobias interfere with my life. I can't do what I really want to do because of this and as the school year starts, a pain grips me inside as I look in. Seeing some of my friends discuss their school year and classrooms, especially those I started education with, a heaviness comes up in my chest and throat. I should be with them. I should be getting stuff for my classroom. I should be graduated and with a salary and a better place of my own by now, but I am not prepping for new students to teach and instead am stressed out trying to graduate and to find steady work I can do with no luck at the current moment.

I must work on my phobias and get my OCD under control because it's all ruined my life for far too long and I have allowed to do so. I can't cater to my fears any longer. Maybe, just maybe, one day I will get the life I always hoped to have. Well, no one said I had to stop dreaming, no matter how unrealistic it seems. I know it's all unrealistic, but when the dreams stop, so does the hope of a brighter future and the loss of hope is the loss of everything. Once you lose all hope of something getting better, life is over and I couldn't possibly live if I didn't have a small hope left of a better tomorrow. So, I will keep working on it and keeping hoping that one day, one day things truly will get better. I couldn't function if I told myself otherwise.

On a separate note, as a new school year comes upon us, let us all remember the families affected by tragedy and how hard it will be for parents who lose their children and won't be going through any of the motions they should be due to needless loss. I may feel sad, but my sadness will never come close to theirs. I will be thinking of such families. I will be thinking also of children who have a very difficult time in school or who may be bullied and are dreading a new school year and hope this year that things will be better for them.
(Images from Microsoft Office and NHS.uk)

One last chance

Tomorrow I am taking a DSST and this will be my last chance to graduate by August so I am crossing my fingers to just pass this time. Twice I have taken a science clep/dsst and twice I have missed the score by one point. If I miss this one again, I will have to believe I am cursed because seriously? It's not like I'm not studying each time or studying hard because I am. The nerves are going to really hit tomorrow afternoon.