Just why?

Why do I also want what seems so easy, yet is truly hard to get for me?
Why do I always hope I'll finally get a chance?
Why do I get my hopes up all the time, expecting automatically that I'll finally have what I dreamed of for so long?
Why do I think I deserve it? Though in truth...I know I don't deserve anything, but it seems so many get it all so easy and I don't understand why. Life's full of that though. Why is one person born with everything they could ever want and another toiling for every penny they get while barefoot and in rags on an empty stomach because they have nothing to eat? Why does a loving couple unable to have a child while someone who abuses and neglects theirs is able to have baby after baby? Why do we complain about eating too much in our society and losing weight while others are literally starving to death with bloated bellies from malnutrition and rib cages showing? Why do some teens complain about their parents being too involved while another teen would give anything to have theirs just notice them at all? Why do we hold back those who strive to be independent and push ahead those content with their life? Why are we never satisfied? Why does everything have sex like its easy and simple, but ignore the reality that it can be painful, difficult or even impossible for many out there? Why do they make falling in love and finding someone seem so simple, when it's really difficult to find a single person who's actually interested in you and the two of you seem like two peas in a pod? Why do people with low libidos get sex opportunities easily while someone with a high libido can't find one person interested? Why do some people with low libidos have no problem having sex while those some with a high libido are unable? Why is life just so damn frustrating? Why can't anything ever just work out? Why can't life just cut some of us a little break? Why does it love to continually kick you while you're down? Why does it make sure that if you find something you love or things start to work out, it stops it quickly and won't allow you to have the seemingly simple things almost everyone gets, but you can't have. I'll never get it, but I know that's how it is and nothing will get better. Never has, never will and it's useless to dream and hope because nothing truly ever changes.

A Stupid Poem

Today's a sad day,
Not sure why there's such sorrow.
Maybe things will be better tomorrow?
Not likely as time seems to stand still,
And hope seems to fade behind the hill.
Like the sun setting at eve,
Life too has its leave.
Hope's disappeared into the abyss,
Life's continues to show me all I miss.
And taunts me with it like a carrot on a stick,
Hope lost once more, heart heavy like a brick.
A stupid poem I know,
I never was a poet to show.
~FA

End for a time

Yesterday I got back from my lovely two week venture west to Colorado and Indianapolis and yesterday evening my boyfriend and I decided to call it quits for a year. It was a tough decision for both of us, but the distance apart would make it too hard. The more we've grown together has made us realize the reality of a long distance relationship. For now, we have separated. Once I finish school and go to the grad school closer we may get back together unless circumstances have changed that prevent that from happening...like one or both of us have found someone else. We hope to stay friends and keep in close touch for now. It was a mutual parting, but that doesn't make it any easier on either of us. As I said...it was a really difficult decision. I wish there was a way to make it work, but it's just too hard. The more and more you like someone, the harder and harder it is to watch them go and that's why we have called it separated for now. It would only got harder and harder as the year went along and we grew more and more attached to one another. Sometimes life comes with painful decisions, ones we don't want to have to make, but we do because it's for the best for all involved. I just hope my error won't make this all even harder and I'm not sure what we'd do in that case. Waiting and pondering can the hardest things to do in life.

Edit: Never mind. He never wanted to get back with me and is basically stopped even being a friend. We rarely talk at all now~december 28, 2012 update

An update finally-end of my vacation

I think I've really fucked up, but maybe it's not as bad as it seems on the outside. Kinda hoping, but yet horrified at the same time. Is that even possible? I suppose it is. Not sure what to think or feel right now at all. Waiting is the hardest thing of all. One is the loneliest number and I fear being the lonely one. Waiting is hell and I know I'm not making any sense if anyone reads this, but I'll explain after I know for certain one way or the other what the future holds.

On a positive note: New job with much better pay, but a lonely job. I'll be on my own mostly. That's a good and bad thing to me.

On another positive note: School starts in about three weeks. While that sounds like a negative...it's my very last year and I will finally, FINALLY be moving on to get my master's degree.

It's late and I'm headed back from Indianapolis after a long two week vacation tomorrow. Was in Colorado last week for a few days and that was a wonderful experience to be with my relatives. In the city right now and that was nice. Close to many things and could walk around vs Colorado where I was basically stuck at the hotel.

Both sad, happy, and very confusing time right now.

Welcome to a random blog!

Welcome. I'll write a better welcome later this week. I'm a college student who's almost finished...finally! I love many things and enjoy discussing topics that fancy my interest from politics to religion to everyday life stuff. Random thoughts most of the time, but I do my best to be coherent and logically.