At one point my phobia was so bad that the words vomit, barf, puke, throw up, blow chunks-can I just say that this just sounds gross to say in general regardless of emetophobia, regurgitate, to get sick, nauseated, nausea, and all the other words associated with vomiting. Reading them had me in a panic. I could not read it, hear it read, write it, nothing. It was all so scary to me. But with age, I began to do my own exposure therapy that way. Years of has gotten me to the point that I am not bothered about it in books or writing about it any longer.
So I have gotten over the early stages of the worst parts of having emetophobia. However, I am still uneasy at any image or video that involved vomit.
My next stage is to go be able to see cartoons/fake images without any worry. I still get uneasy if I see it, though I can stop a panic attack from beginning, unlike where I am with real puke yet, even TV/movie people vomit that is clearly fake. I am still determined that by the end of this year...emetophobia will be a thing of my past.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
Diagnosis
You are infertile. Tubes blocked.
Sure, I am not and have not tried to get pregnant. It was the pains that brought me to the doctors for an answer.
For so long I was not believed about my pains. With age they are supposed to decrease. Instead, my pains just grew worse and worse and lasted longer and longer each time my cycles came around. Birth control pills didn't serve to help and I finally started to skip the sugar pills and never allowed the cycles to come just so I could actually live. I couldn't miss a week of school or work each month. It was futile. All my attempts to try and ease the pain did nothing.
Finally, two doctors and many appointments later, and with great fear, I had a hysteroscopy, laparoscopy and some sort of chromotubation.
Monday morning the 19th of May, 6AM, I am in the waiting room for surgery. They take me back, several people ask me questions, the same questions, over and over. Blood drawn, consent forms signed about religious observations of dead bodies and DNR and if I have a will or power of attorney should I die during this surgery.
Those consent forms always make you feel so much calmer right before you are about to be put under for surgery.
Hooked up and lady who took my blood bruised me. Taken back to surgery room, mask put on and boom, out. I remember then being wheeled back to my original room and asking for a mint. I wanted a damn mint. I started to gag related to my throat feeling so very weird. They gave me a barf bag, but I wasn't going to puke. I didn't actually feel sick. I did get some sprite out of the deal.
I also had to pee before leaving and it's weird having a nurse in the bathroom with you when you try to pee. It was very hard to pee too. Thanks a lot catheters. I did manage to pee a little though and then I was allowed to get dressed and go home. Also, the pain was awful. It hurt to get it up and move.
After I was dressed, the nurses helped me to my ride home. Once arrived, I went to sleep for a bit. Later watched a movie and then my gagging came back and lasted for hours. It was miserable and nothing helped. I never got sick though. When it finally eased a little, I went to sleep.
May 20...oh, the pain, the pain. Took the oxy they prescribed me as the motrin was not doing it for me. It did not help. Bladder still had some issues with needing a little push to go. My shoulder is also killing me. I dunno why it effects the shoulder, but it does.
May 21...still sore and pain meds still not helping. Lots of gas from both ends still. Bladder doing a little better. Took a stool softener as the pains are easing a bit.
May 22...bladder back to normal, but thanks to the stool softener, had a stomachache. Stool softener not yet working. Took gasx again due to gas pains and hoped it would stop the belly ache. My incision areas still hurt, but appeared to be healing well at this point. Do not feel well, so took it easy again, laid on the couch, watched netflix.
Note...Dulcolax is not good stuff. Nope, nope.
May 23...stomachache. One bm only. No appetite thanks to the stomachache.
May 24-25...boyfriend and I hung out. Was a beautiful weekend and got some of my appetite back finally. Went to the local festival.
May 26-June 2...took it easy. No lifting and such allowed, but incisions were healing nicely and body was feeling better.
June 3...follow-up appointment where I am shown the pictures of my endometriosis and the inflammation inside. It was very ugly inside there. Not pretty. I won't share the pictures out of politeness. Also got to see the evil little martian, aka my tiny benign tumor.
The all clear to go back to life was given, but life has a new normal and I will be starting a new medication soon for my illness for six months. The tubes may be unable to be flushed without a reproductive endocrinologist's help.
Sure, I am not and have not tried to get pregnant. It was the pains that brought me to the doctors for an answer.
For so long I was not believed about my pains. With age they are supposed to decrease. Instead, my pains just grew worse and worse and lasted longer and longer each time my cycles came around. Birth control pills didn't serve to help and I finally started to skip the sugar pills and never allowed the cycles to come just so I could actually live. I couldn't miss a week of school or work each month. It was futile. All my attempts to try and ease the pain did nothing.
Finally, two doctors and many appointments later, and with great fear, I had a hysteroscopy, laparoscopy and some sort of chromotubation.
Monday morning the 19th of May, 6AM, I am in the waiting room for surgery. They take me back, several people ask me questions, the same questions, over and over. Blood drawn, consent forms signed about religious observations of dead bodies and DNR and if I have a will or power of attorney should I die during this surgery.
Those consent forms always make you feel so much calmer right before you are about to be put under for surgery.
Hooked up and lady who took my blood bruised me. Taken back to surgery room, mask put on and boom, out. I remember then being wheeled back to my original room and asking for a mint. I wanted a damn mint. I started to gag related to my throat feeling so very weird. They gave me a barf bag, but I wasn't going to puke. I didn't actually feel sick. I did get some sprite out of the deal.
I also had to pee before leaving and it's weird having a nurse in the bathroom with you when you try to pee. It was very hard to pee too. Thanks a lot catheters. I did manage to pee a little though and then I was allowed to get dressed and go home. Also, the pain was awful. It hurt to get it up and move.
After I was dressed, the nurses helped me to my ride home. Once arrived, I went to sleep for a bit. Later watched a movie and then my gagging came back and lasted for hours. It was miserable and nothing helped. I never got sick though. When it finally eased a little, I went to sleep.
May 20...oh, the pain, the pain. Took the oxy they prescribed me as the motrin was not doing it for me. It did not help. Bladder still had some issues with needing a little push to go. My shoulder is also killing me. I dunno why it effects the shoulder, but it does.
May 21...still sore and pain meds still not helping. Lots of gas from both ends still. Bladder doing a little better. Took a stool softener as the pains are easing a bit.
May 22...bladder back to normal, but thanks to the stool softener, had a stomachache. Stool softener not yet working. Took gasx again due to gas pains and hoped it would stop the belly ache. My incision areas still hurt, but appeared to be healing well at this point. Do not feel well, so took it easy again, laid on the couch, watched netflix.
Note...Dulcolax is not good stuff. Nope, nope.
May 23...stomachache. One bm only. No appetite thanks to the stomachache.
May 24-25...boyfriend and I hung out. Was a beautiful weekend and got some of my appetite back finally. Went to the local festival.
May 26-June 2...took it easy. No lifting and such allowed, but incisions were healing nicely and body was feeling better.
June 3...follow-up appointment where I am shown the pictures of my endometriosis and the inflammation inside. It was very ugly inside there. Not pretty. I won't share the pictures out of politeness. Also got to see the evil little martian, aka my tiny benign tumor.
The all clear to go back to life was given, but life has a new normal and I will be starting a new medication soon for my illness for six months. The tubes may be unable to be flushed without a reproductive endocrinologist's help.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
End of May, time does fly...
So...what's been going on around here
I took my first ever flight. It was scary, but I did it. I only had one little panic attack on the way there. The trip was lots of fun and did a lot of walking too. It was to Washington D.C. I had never been before, so it was cool to finally go. Someone was protesting across the street from the White House and the flag was up, so it seems the President was home that day.
We also learned to never trust phone GPS walking routes. It's better to look at a map and see for yourself because GPS will take you the long way. We saw the National History Museum and Art museum and got yelled out for getting too close to the pictures, of which they do not have roped off, which is odd. Lots of people were getting yelled at, not just us, as there are old statues right in the middle and so much as walking around them a little too close got people in trouble. I really do not know why things were not roped off so there would not be any accidently getting too close, but what do I know.
Also, DC traffic/pedestrian crossing times were all out of whack.
The cherry blossoms were still in bloom when we went so we got some gorgeous pictures of the trees. And met a lovely lady in the process...aka, a very rude tourist,
The weather for us was wonderful, which was great. Also got to see a parade and watch poor people struggle with a stuck float. Oops.
Flight back hit some air pockets and we were in the back row, so felt the bumpy flight quite well.
Since then, finished up classes and my brother graduated high school. My sister is about to take her boards to get her nursing certification or something to that effect. I don't know how it works exactly, but apparently she can't be an RN until she passes some test, despite having a BSN.
I had surgery over a week ago and next Tuesday I will go for a final flushing and follow-up and should be all better for a time. I did get a diagnosis with the surgery and they actually removed a tiny tumor, which was benign, but ick. They gave me pictures of it and I named it the Evil Little Martian, because that's what it looks like.
I also found out that apparently I am missing one credit hour, so I am taking an Intro to Psychology CLEP exam on Friday. Hope I pass because I want that damn degree and not getting it for one credit hour for a class I don't even need, and not telling me I am missing one hour as classes end is just AHHHHHHHH.
Okay, better.
So, that's what's been happening. And job hunting. And helping my parents prepare to move. And puppy sitting my sister and her boyfriend's dog still. Other than that, rather boring.
I took my first ever flight. It was scary, but I did it. I only had one little panic attack on the way there. The trip was lots of fun and did a lot of walking too. It was to Washington D.C. I had never been before, so it was cool to finally go. Someone was protesting across the street from the White House and the flag was up, so it seems the President was home that day.
We also learned to never trust phone GPS walking routes. It's better to look at a map and see for yourself because GPS will take you the long way. We saw the National History Museum and Art museum and got yelled out for getting too close to the pictures, of which they do not have roped off, which is odd. Lots of people were getting yelled at, not just us, as there are old statues right in the middle and so much as walking around them a little too close got people in trouble. I really do not know why things were not roped off so there would not be any accidently getting too close, but what do I know.
Also, DC traffic/pedestrian crossing times were all out of whack.
The cherry blossoms were still in bloom when we went so we got some gorgeous pictures of the trees. And met a lovely lady in the process...aka, a very rude tourist,
The weather for us was wonderful, which was great. Also got to see a parade and watch poor people struggle with a stuck float. Oops.
Flight back hit some air pockets and we were in the back row, so felt the bumpy flight quite well.
Since then, finished up classes and my brother graduated high school. My sister is about to take her boards to get her nursing certification or something to that effect. I don't know how it works exactly, but apparently she can't be an RN until she passes some test, despite having a BSN.
I had surgery over a week ago and next Tuesday I will go for a final flushing and follow-up and should be all better for a time. I did get a diagnosis with the surgery and they actually removed a tiny tumor, which was benign, but ick. They gave me pictures of it and I named it the Evil Little Martian, because that's what it looks like.
I also found out that apparently I am missing one credit hour, so I am taking an Intro to Psychology CLEP exam on Friday. Hope I pass because I want that damn degree and not getting it for one credit hour for a class I don't even need, and not telling me I am missing one hour as classes end is just AHHHHHHHH.
Okay, better.
So, that's what's been happening. And job hunting. And helping my parents prepare to move. And puppy sitting my sister and her boyfriend's dog still. Other than that, rather boring.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Turning over a new leaf
I am changing the tone of this blog entirely to focus one thing...my anxiety, depression, OCD and panic disorder issues and phobias. I will be focusing on my recovery as I am working very hard on the recovery.
Per the previous post, I did not juice each day, got too busy, but definitely increased my fruit and vegetable and overall healthy food intake. I have not any potato chips besides Sunchips in about a month. I have been greatly decreasing my sugar and salt intake. I have not had any french fries for almost two weeks. Also been taking more calcium and magnesium and alfalfa capsules. And of course, trying to stay more active.
I will flying for the first time in about two weeks, a huge leap for me, but I am excited and nervous all in one.
I feel my vomit phobia is getting better. I am handling movie and tv show vomiting much, much better than I ever used to handle it. There was a top phobias list and emetophobia was on it and the clip was graphic, but I actually laughed at it...I laughed, me. That's such a huge leap of progress for me and I am hopeful for the future.
Per the previous post, I did not juice each day, got too busy, but definitely increased my fruit and vegetable and overall healthy food intake. I have not any potato chips besides Sunchips in about a month. I have been greatly decreasing my sugar and salt intake. I have not had any french fries for almost two weeks. Also been taking more calcium and magnesium and alfalfa capsules. And of course, trying to stay more active.
I will flying for the first time in about two weeks, a huge leap for me, but I am excited and nervous all in one.
I feel my vomit phobia is getting better. I am handling movie and tv show vomiting much, much better than I ever used to handle it. There was a top phobias list and emetophobia was on it and the clip was graphic, but I actually laughed at it...I laughed, me. That's such a huge leap of progress for me and I am hopeful for the future.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
To better health...
I have decided it is time for a change. I am so tired of being so tired. I am tired of all the health issues and pains. So I am going to try something different. I am going to blend up fruits and veggies into a drink everyday for at least 10 days. One drink a day at least. I do not eat enough fruits and vegetables, so I plan to start my days with a drink of blended produce.
I started my juice drinks yesterday and will post pictures at the end of my week, also describing what I thought about the recipe. I do not own a juicer and feel like they won't keep much of the nutrients anyway, so I am blending them only to a liquid state. I see juicing is a big diet fad lately, however, starving yourself to lose weight seems like a bad idea personally. I can't see how it's healthy either. However, not trying to lose weight myself and as it's just regular produce mixed, I don't see the issue to try them as a supplement for healthier eating/drinking. I am eating regular meals, lots of healthier meals too, trying to eat mostly non-packaged foods and mostly fresh items as much as possible over the next 10 days as well. I plan on eating little meat, no soy except fermented soy products, many varied grains and beans/protein-rich legumes and I already can't eat dairy, so that's not an issue.
My big dog is getting too fat and her hips aren't doing well because of the added weight...so it's time for a change for her as well. We are going to start doing a daily walk around the block and she is not going to be allowed extra food like she has been given. It's vital she lose weight and I am aiming to help her lose at least 10 pounds.
So, eating healthier and staying fit...let's see if I feel any better or if my dog loses her 10 pounds by the time I take her to the vet for her lepto annual in a couple weeks.
Wish us both luck.
I started my juice drinks yesterday and will post pictures at the end of my week, also describing what I thought about the recipe. I do not own a juicer and feel like they won't keep much of the nutrients anyway, so I am blending them only to a liquid state. I see juicing is a big diet fad lately, however, starving yourself to lose weight seems like a bad idea personally. I can't see how it's healthy either. However, not trying to lose weight myself and as it's just regular produce mixed, I don't see the issue to try them as a supplement for healthier eating/drinking. I am eating regular meals, lots of healthier meals too, trying to eat mostly non-packaged foods and mostly fresh items as much as possible over the next 10 days as well. I plan on eating little meat, no soy except fermented soy products, many varied grains and beans/protein-rich legumes and I already can't eat dairy, so that's not an issue.
My big dog is getting too fat and her hips aren't doing well because of the added weight...so it's time for a change for her as well. We are going to start doing a daily walk around the block and she is not going to be allowed extra food like she has been given. It's vital she lose weight and I am aiming to help her lose at least 10 pounds.
So, eating healthier and staying fit...let's see if I feel any better or if my dog loses her 10 pounds by the time I take her to the vet for her lepto annual in a couple weeks.
Wish us both luck.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Over this shit...
I am so over this winter.
Done.
I cannot take any more days in the single digits, zero, or below zero temperatures.
I am so over scraping ice off my car and shoveling off snow and shoveling out and all the ice and snow period.
It's been arctic front after arctic front and snowstorm after snowstorm and our pipes and heating systems can't seem to take it.
February is looking a bit warmer, at least to start, so we are all crossing our fingers here that it will be...if not we may all just crack...like our pipes.
Done.
I cannot take any more days in the single digits, zero, or below zero temperatures.
I am so over scraping ice off my car and shoveling off snow and shoveling out and all the ice and snow period.
It's been arctic front after arctic front and snowstorm after snowstorm and our pipes and heating systems can't seem to take it.
February is looking a bit warmer, at least to start, so we are all crossing our fingers here that it will be...if not we may all just crack...like our pipes.
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