Sharing Stuff Saturdays-Lupron

So, I have endometriosis. I have had surgery and this week I am starting Lupron. I got injection one on Wednesday.

I am having bad cramps and light menstrual period as of yesterday. They said it may get worse, but my doctor told me she never had that complaint. Guess I will be the first because I have many complaints. So far I hate this medicine.

I have had leg cramps and menstrual cramps. Today I will just irritated and mad and just all around angry. I feel like I might just explode. I am not used to feeling like this and I don't like it. The feeling that you want to just tear someone's head off and you don't know why. Yeah, that feeling. I have never been one to get any real PMS symptoms. More of an, ''I don't feel well, please leave me alone'' due to severe pain and exhaustion in the past. So, I have never been known to be moody before my cycles. But now I am moody. Moody is not how anyone I know would describe me.

I have three months on this shot. I may change my mind, but right now, the second shot is up in the air. I was not supposed to have any periods following surgery, but I am now, so not sure how this medicine may help. I so wish they could have tried to clear the tubes without this medicine. Perhaps the depo would have been better in the long run.

Whatever the next step hold, what I do know is I am exhausted. I just want to sleep for days. Not even having to do with depression, but just physical exhaustion.

And my uterus currently feels like it might spontaneously combust. It feels like it is swollen and mad at me. I feel ya uterus. That endometrium tissue should have just gone out like it was supposed to every month and none of this would be happening. It just had to swim against the tide and cause us trouble.

Ugh, when will it be October?

Therapeutic Thursdays-Daily Routine

Today I find myself working to get into somewhat of a routine.

1-In the morning, I do yoga and relaxation before eating.


etsy.com poster-https://www.etsy.com/listing/77342119/sun-salutation-yoga-poster?utm_source=Pinterest&utm_medium=Internal_UK&utm_campaign=Merch

and pretend I am flexible enough to do these yoga poses...



yeah...right.

2-I do some exposure and test my anxiety level.

Emetophobia Exposure

Virtual Reality-Acrophobia Exposure

3-Work on breathing techniques if nervous.

        4-7-8 is one I learned. You breathe in through your nose slowly to the count of four, hold to the count of seven and then slowly, without forcing, breathe out to the count of eight.

*Note-I do not endorse Dr. Weil or his methods, this is simply an example of the technique. I only do it when an anxiety attack may be imminent. It works to prevent your breathing from getting heavy and short and also focuses on the breathing and counting and not on the thing that is causing the anxiety. Which is why it helps.

       I also like the 5-5-5 rule, where you find five things you see, five things you feel, five things you hear, five things you smell. You can eliminate one that could cause more anxiety. For example, if someone throws up, smelling will not be helpful. It someone is giving you a spider to hold, what you feel will not likely help you.

4-I do some exercises and walk a dog or two as well depending on the weather.

       This last one is great for both anxiety and depression and overall physical health.



What do you do to better yourself everyday?

Sharing Saturdays-Lemons

Sometimes it just seems that no matter what you do or try, you just cannot get where you want to go.

Believe you can do anything. Nothing can stop you. Nothing is impossible. You can be anything you want to be.

Except when you can't. Except when it is impossible. Except when the world stops you. Except when life hands you things outside of your control.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade they say. Except that without sugar and water, your lemonade will just be sour and bitter.

Life is a lot like lemonade. Water is the day to day living, the monotony, the normal times. Sugar is the good times of life, the sweetness. The lemons are the bad or negative times of life, the sour and bitterness.

I suppose this Saturday is downer type of day. It's very hot and humid out and more bad news keeps flooding in.

Sometimes we just want good news for once. Just some good news.



-Photo from Wikimedia Commons. Neither I nor the author endorse one another. 


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Finding Peace

Each day brings more peace and more chaos.

Each day I am coming to acceptance of my reality.

Each day I must weight the risks and benefits of my treatment plan.

Each day there is a little sorrow and a little happiness

Each day I think about my future and if it will be what I always thought it would.

Each day I grow both stronger and weaker.

The journey is long. The journey is hard. The journey is life. Short as it is.

It is hard, but I try to not dwell on what is beyond my control. I like to be in control. That's where the anxiety gets me. Control. I fight for it. I desire it. I can't stand not having it. But the fear of losing control has created a lack of control in my own mind and body. It is keeping me trapped. Keeping me from moving forward. Keeping me from acceptance. There is not freedom when everyday is a battle for control within myself.

Only I can win this fight against myself. Only I can determine my future. I have all the control I need and it's time I use it. I will win this fight. I won't back down.

My fears will not hold me back any longer. They've taken my past. They cannot have my future.

Each day I am healing. And growing. I feel well within my mind and body. I have been empowered.

Exposure therapy part 1...

At one point my phobia was so bad that the words vomit, barf, puke, throw up, blow chunks-can I just say that this just sounds gross to say in general regardless of emetophobia, regurgitate, to get sick, nauseated, nausea, and all the other words associated with vomiting. Reading them had me in a panic. I could not read it, hear it read, write it, nothing. It was all so scary to me. But with age, I began to do my own exposure therapy that way. Years of has gotten me to the point that I am not bothered about it in books or writing about it any longer.

So I have gotten over the early stages of the worst parts of having emetophobia. However, I am still uneasy at any image or video that involved vomit.

My next stage is to go be able to see cartoons/fake images without any worry. I still get uneasy if I see it, though I can stop a panic attack from beginning, unlike where I am with real puke yet, even TV/movie people vomit that is clearly fake. I am still determined that by the end of this year...emetophobia will be a thing of my past.

Job Hunt

This just about sums up my feelings right now...

Diagnosis

You are infertile. Tubes blocked.

Sure, I am not and have not tried to get pregnant. It was the pains that brought me to the doctors for an answer.

For so long I was not believed about my pains. With age they are supposed to decrease. Instead, my pains just grew worse and worse and lasted longer and longer each time my cycles came around. Birth control pills didn't serve to help and I finally started to skip the sugar pills and never allowed the cycles to come just so I could actually live. I couldn't miss a week of school or work each month. It was futile. All my attempts to try and ease the pain did nothing.

Finally, two doctors and many appointments later, and with great fear, I had a hysteroscopy, laparoscopy and some sort of chromotubation.

Monday morning the 19th of May, 6AM, I am in the waiting room for surgery. They take me back, several people ask me questions, the same questions, over and over. Blood drawn, consent forms signed about religious observations of dead bodies and DNR and if I have a will or power of attorney should I die during this surgery.

Those consent forms always make you feel so much calmer right before you are about to be put under for surgery.

Hooked up and lady who took my blood bruised me. Taken back to surgery room, mask put on and boom, out. I remember then being wheeled back to my original room and asking for a mint. I wanted a damn mint. I started to gag related to my throat feeling so very weird. They gave me a barf bag, but I wasn't going to puke. I didn't actually feel sick. I did get some sprite out of the deal.

I also had to pee before leaving and it's weird having a nurse in the bathroom with you when you try to pee. It was very hard to pee too. Thanks a lot catheters. I did manage to pee a little though and then I was allowed to get dressed and go home. Also, the pain was awful. It hurt to get it up and move.

After I was dressed, the nurses helped me to my ride home. Once arrived, I went to sleep for a bit. Later watched a movie and then my gagging came back and lasted for hours. It was miserable and nothing helped. I never got sick though. When it finally eased a little, I went to sleep.

May 20...oh, the pain, the pain. Took the oxy they prescribed me as the motrin was not doing it for me. It did not help. Bladder still had some issues with needing a little push to go. My shoulder is also killing me. I dunno why it effects the shoulder, but it does.

May 21...still sore and pain meds still not helping. Lots of gas from both ends still. Bladder doing a little better. Took a stool softener as the pains are easing a bit.

May 22...bladder back to normal, but thanks to the stool softener, had a stomachache. Stool softener not yet working. Took gasx again due to gas pains and hoped it would stop the belly ache. My incision areas still hurt, but appeared to be healing well at this point. Do not feel well, so took it easy again, laid on the couch, watched netflix.

Note...Dulcolax is not good stuff. Nope, nope.

May 23...stomachache. One bm only. No appetite thanks to the stomachache. 

May 24-25...boyfriend and I hung out. Was a beautiful weekend and got some of my appetite back finally. Went to the local festival.

May 26-June 2...took it easy. No lifting and such allowed, but incisions were healing nicely and body was feeling better.

June 3...follow-up appointment where I am shown the pictures of my endometriosis and the inflammation inside. It was very ugly inside there. Not pretty. I won't share the pictures out of politeness. Also got to see the evil little martian, aka my tiny benign tumor.

The all clear to go back to life was given, but life has a new normal and I will be starting a new medication soon for my illness for six months. The tubes may be unable to be flushed without a reproductive endocrinologist's help.