Life's been tough, but getting slightly better. I still struggle through it all, but I've avoided a trip to the hospital. But now I've been working on what I want and trying to figure it all out. I know I can't figure it all out right now, but little things have me thinking quite a bit on my life and reflecting on where I want to go. I'm thinking I will move this winter baring it's not a horrible winter. I have a feeling we have a bad winter ahead. Today I feel very sad, just lonely. I'm never gonna understand what happened or why things have turned out like they have in my life. Some of it was me, other things have been well beyond my control. It sucks. Life sucks. Believing different means you are either to young to know it yet or too naive to be aware of it because you lived a priviledged life. Sure, it's what we make of it in some ways, but there's no denying that sometimes it just really, really sucks and some people have it so much worse. My dad is now ill, I need a new job, I need an education, I need a new place, I need to help my parents find a new home, I need to have my surgeries, I need to feel better. I wish I could have one day, just one day where I felt wonderful and everything was wonderful. Sometimes I wish that potion in Harry Potter for the best day ever existed. I want to know what it's like to feel great and healthy and happy and for things to just go right for one day. Just one day. I want to have what makes me happy and not have it ripped away right after I get one small moment. But I feel it's just too much to ask for in the end, for happiness and love and feeling like I matter. Everyone else has had experiences I never did and never will. I'm held back because of my health and life and issues. It seems I have one thing after another all the time. I'm tired of doctors and appointments and medicines. I just want a break from it sometimes. I need a vacation from myself...if only. Haha. I'm still alive though for some reason I'll never understand.
Halloween's around the corner and I think about myself and children and I'll probably never have a child to take trick or treating. I'll not get a family or school crafts my child(ren) made. I want it, yet it terrifies me. I don't know to deal and i'm such a mess it seems unfair to have a child or children and try to parent one. I don't think I'd be a good mom. I want to be, yes, but I never turn out like I hope I will and how I imagine I'll be, I'll be so much worse. It's awful. Everyday is awful. I'm lacking hope of change truthfully. I don't see, but I have a tiny needle size dot of hope left that gets me through the day. Just one happy day, just one.
