Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas-it was a grey Christmas here.

About that apocalypse...

It's the 22nd now and we're still alive and well...mostly well anyway. So when will the next end of the world predications begin?

Worst apocalypse ever people. At least the Christmas presents won't go to waste...

And most of the world sheds a tear

Dear Reader,

Friday. Friday was just not a good day at all. At all. I woke up to the news that my sister's boyfriend of over 2.5 years suddenly broke up with her. Talk about some shock. So, things have not been well the past couple of days as she's been understandably upset and mad.

A couple hours later, I got on the computer and read about a shooting in CT. Not another shooting. This time, it's a school again. An elementary school. My heart drops into my stomach. 26 people dead, 18 of them children. I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know a single one of these people or these children, but my heart just breaks. THe reports are all a jumble and the news can't get things straight and name the wrong man.

Finally, I hear it was 20 children and six adults who were murdered. I'm not calling it shot. I'm calling it what it was. Murder. These children were murdered in cold blood. No reason at all for it. Not one person in that school deserved to die that day. Not one. Not one reason parents dropped their children off Friday morning and never picked them up that afternoon, will never get to see their children alive again, will never get to hear their voices or play games with them or see them open their presents with excitement on Christmas morning, presents their parents likely already got for them. Instead, 20 parents will bury their children needlessly. And my heart just breaks.

I don't know these people at all. I live many miles away, but I cried. I just cried for everyone there, all those people, those children, those parents. I wish the news would stop giving fame to these psychopaths. Copycat crimes would stop happening. I fear for my future children. Schools should be a safe place, not a place to die. It makes me concerned about sending my own children I may have one day to school. I have to wonder if they'll be safe. Will I see them alive after I drop them off in the morning? No parent should ever have to think about that. No parent should have to fear someone murdering their child while they are in school. No parent should have to fear for their child's safety in a school.

Today, my heart still breaks. I think back to other tragedies, needless tragedies. I think of Dunblane Primary mostly, just as sad and tragic as Friday's massacre. I want to cry, scream and punch a dummy bag. And if I feel this way about people I don't know, I think of the families involved and what they must be feeling and I cannot comprehend. I hope I never have to know. No one should have to know. I have a little brother in high school and I worry about him. I shouldn't have to though. No one should.

Since Friday it's been raining and dreary here and I live a few hundred miles from CT. I can't help but think Mother Nature is mourning with us a little. I was only a couple hours from Virginia Tech when it happened and had relatives with family there at that time. Thankfully, none were harmed that horrible day. I was in Colorado when the Aurora theatre murders occurred. Thankfully, we were in Golden and didn't see a midnight movie, but one night there and hear that sickening news. When will these senseless tragedies stop.

Friday, hundreds of children have likely lost their faith in Santa. Hundreds of children's sense of security and the world being good was shattered. And it's not fair. And it's not okay. And it's not right. And it's okay to think that and to be angry and to be upset as long as you hurt no one else in the process. I hope these children can grieve properly and the parents too. I hope they'll get the support they need because they should know and I'm sure they do, the world supports them.

Tomorrow wear green and white in memory of the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary and all the horrible tragedies that are as senseless as these.

With love,
CMarie

Warm, Rainy Weather

Apparently Mother Nature seems to have forgotten that it's December. As it feels more like early spring. Oh, I'm not complaining. 60 degree weather is great. Except all the rain the past few days. And thunderstorms. Yes, thunderstorms in December. Just a couple little ones, but still. So...snow on Halloween and thunderstorms 15 days before Christmas. Poor mother nature. She's all mixed up.

Finally getting my flu shot today, going to put in my DSST form to test out of a science class so I'll only have four classes today. Also waiting with bated breath for a job phone call. I do hope I got it, but deep down I really don't think I got the job. They said a couple days. It has been a couple days as of today. Two business days anyway. Still, it could take up to a week. I hope not as the anticipation will probably kill me. I really need the job, but I don't think I have enough to offer. I'll find out soon enough.

Belated Post about Halloween

Halloween here was very interesting. It was warm a few days before and then overnight the weather changed. Upon the morning of the 30th, trick or treat day here, there happened to be about 3 inches of snow on the ground. Yes, in October. Snow in October. We never get snow in October and getting any accumulation of snow in November isn't that commen. So a snowstorm in October was very rare. Not only some snow, but a snowstorm. We ended up with over eight inches, which is not common even in the middle of January. It was one strange Halloween. They postponed trick or treat until the first of November. Why not on Halloween day? Because it was a Wednesday and that's church night apparently. Catering to the religious as always.

 

 

Life update

Lately my pains have been worse. Headache, neckache (yes, no such word exists, but I like that word), pains elsewhere too. My left arm and fingers are cramping and achy for some reason and my right now a little too. The previous two days my throat started to act up, but went away. Came after I ate so I'm not sure what caused it honestly. I'm still looking for a job and man is it hard. Felt down yesterday, better today mood-wise. Hoping for a new tattoo soon if I can get a job. Helping my parents move into a smaller home now that my dad has parkinsons has been a chore in and of itself. They want one level, three bedrooms, two bathrooms and a large level yard...I say good luck with that in the mountains.

Another day gone by

Life's been tough, but getting slightly better. I still struggle through it all, but I've avoided a trip to the hospital. But now I've been working on what I want and trying to figure it all out. I know I can't figure it all out right now, but little things have me thinking quite a bit on my life and reflecting on where I want to go. I'm thinking I will move this winter baring it's not a horrible winter. I have a feeling we have a bad winter ahead. Today I feel very sad, just lonely. I'm never gonna understand what happened or why things have turned out like they have in my life. Some of it was me, other things have been well beyond my control. It sucks. Life sucks. Believing different means you are either to young to know it yet or too naive to be aware of it because you lived a priviledged life. Sure, it's what we make of it in some ways, but there's no denying that sometimes it just really, really sucks and some people have it so much worse. My dad is now ill, I need a new job, I need an education, I need a new place, I need to help my parents find a new home, I need to have my surgeries, I need to feel better. I wish I could have one day, just one day where I felt wonderful and everything was wonderful. Sometimes I wish that potion in Harry Potter for the best day ever existed. I want to know what it's like to feel great and healthy and happy and for things to just go right for one day. Just one day. I want to have what makes me happy and not have it ripped away right after I get one small moment. But I feel it's just too much to ask for in the end, for happiness and love and feeling like I matter. Everyone else has had experiences I never did and never will. I'm held back because of my health and life and issues. It seems I have one thing after another all the time. I'm tired of doctors and appointments and medicines. I just want a break from it sometimes. I need a vacation from myself...if only. Haha. I'm still alive though for some reason I'll never understand.
Halloween's around the corner and I  think about myself and children and I'll probably never have a child to take trick or treating. I'll not get a family or school crafts my child(ren) made. I want it, yet it terrifies me. I don't know to deal and i'm such a mess it seems unfair to have a child or children and try to parent one. I don't think I'd be a good mom. I want to be, yes, but I never turn out like I hope I will and how I imagine I'll be, I'll be so much worse. It's awful. Everyday is awful. I'm lacking hope of change truthfully. I don't see, but I have a tiny needle size dot of hope left that gets me through the day. Just one happy day, just one.

Just why?

Why do I also want what seems so easy, yet is truly hard to get for me?
Why do I always hope I'll finally get a chance?
Why do I get my hopes up all the time, expecting automatically that I'll finally have what I dreamed of for so long?
Why do I think I deserve it? Though in truth...I know I don't deserve anything, but it seems so many get it all so easy and I don't understand why. Life's full of that though. Why is one person born with everything they could ever want and another toiling for every penny they get while barefoot and in rags on an empty stomach because they have nothing to eat? Why does a loving couple unable to have a child while someone who abuses and neglects theirs is able to have baby after baby? Why do we complain about eating too much in our society and losing weight while others are literally starving to death with bloated bellies from malnutrition and rib cages showing? Why do some teens complain about their parents being too involved while another teen would give anything to have theirs just notice them at all? Why do we hold back those who strive to be independent and push ahead those content with their life? Why are we never satisfied? Why does everything have sex like its easy and simple, but ignore the reality that it can be painful, difficult or even impossible for many out there? Why do they make falling in love and finding someone seem so simple, when it's really difficult to find a single person who's actually interested in you and the two of you seem like two peas in a pod? Why do people with low libidos get sex opportunities easily while someone with a high libido can't find one person interested? Why do some people with low libidos have no problem having sex while those some with a high libido are unable? Why is life just so damn frustrating? Why can't anything ever just work out? Why can't life just cut some of us a little break? Why does it love to continually kick you while you're down? Why does it make sure that if you find something you love or things start to work out, it stops it quickly and won't allow you to have the seemingly simple things almost everyone gets, but you can't have. I'll never get it, but I know that's how it is and nothing will get better. Never has, never will and it's useless to dream and hope because nothing truly ever changes.

A Stupid Poem

Today's a sad day,
Not sure why there's such sorrow.
Maybe things will be better tomorrow?
Not likely as time seems to stand still,
And hope seems to fade behind the hill.
Like the sun setting at eve,
Life too has its leave.
Hope's disappeared into the abyss,
Life's continues to show me all I miss.
And taunts me with it like a carrot on a stick,
Hope lost once more, heart heavy like a brick.
A stupid poem I know,
I never was a poet to show.
~FA

End for a time

Yesterday I got back from my lovely two week venture west to Colorado and Indianapolis and yesterday evening my boyfriend and I decided to call it quits for a year. It was a tough decision for both of us, but the distance apart would make it too hard. The more we've grown together has made us realize the reality of a long distance relationship. For now, we have separated. Once I finish school and go to the grad school closer we may get back together unless circumstances have changed that prevent that from happening...like one or both of us have found someone else. We hope to stay friends and keep in close touch for now. It was a mutual parting, but that doesn't make it any easier on either of us. As I said...it was a really difficult decision. I wish there was a way to make it work, but it's just too hard. The more and more you like someone, the harder and harder it is to watch them go and that's why we have called it separated for now. It would only got harder and harder as the year went along and we grew more and more attached to one another. Sometimes life comes with painful decisions, ones we don't want to have to make, but we do because it's for the best for all involved. I just hope my error won't make this all even harder and I'm not sure what we'd do in that case. Waiting and pondering can the hardest things to do in life.

Edit: Never mind. He never wanted to get back with me and is basically stopped even being a friend. We rarely talk at all now~december 28, 2012 update

An update finally-end of my vacation

I think I've really fucked up, but maybe it's not as bad as it seems on the outside. Kinda hoping, but yet horrified at the same time. Is that even possible? I suppose it is. Not sure what to think or feel right now at all. Waiting is the hardest thing of all. One is the loneliest number and I fear being the lonely one. Waiting is hell and I know I'm not making any sense if anyone reads this, but I'll explain after I know for certain one way or the other what the future holds.

On a positive note: New job with much better pay, but a lonely job. I'll be on my own mostly. That's a good and bad thing to me.

On another positive note: School starts in about three weeks. While that sounds like a negative...it's my very last year and I will finally, FINALLY be moving on to get my master's degree.

It's late and I'm headed back from Indianapolis after a long two week vacation tomorrow. Was in Colorado last week for a few days and that was a wonderful experience to be with my relatives. In the city right now and that was nice. Close to many things and could walk around vs Colorado where I was basically stuck at the hotel.

Both sad, happy, and very confusing time right now.

Welcome to a random blog!

Welcome. I'll write a better welcome later this week. I'm a college student who's almost finished...finally! I love many things and enjoy discussing topics that fancy my interest from politics to religion to everyday life stuff. Random thoughts most of the time, but I do my best to be coherent and logically.