Rising Above the Ashes: July 2013

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This is the last full week of summer for children in the local school district. The local stores and ads are there to remind everyone of this time of the year where parents cheer and children moan. It is also my little brother's last year in school. I can't believe my youngest sibling is almost grown and my mother is not enjoying that school is starting extra early this year. I think almost all children feel the same, for different reasons.

I don't have any children, so the start of a new school year doesn't mean shuffling unhappy children to buy backpacks, lunchbags, notebooks, pencils and tissue boxes. Yet, there's a sadness within me. No, I am not in any hurry to have a school-age children. I prefer to go from infancy on up, giving me at least six years, but likely more since I am not currently pregnant and don't intend to get pregnant right now, before I have to drop a child off at the local elementary school and wave good-bye. No, I am not sad to not have a child in school. Being childless is great right now with my busy life. I feel like I neglect my dogs sometimes, so having a baby that can't fend for itself and can't be left alone for obvious reasons is a bad idea right now. Certainly one day I hope I will be able to be a mother. I am glad I can go and do what I want without concerning myself with what I will do with a child.

I was going to be a teacher. A preschool/primary teacher to be exact. I still wish I was able to be one, but right now that cannot happen. And this is where my phobias interfere with my life. I can't do what I really want to do because of this and as the school year starts, a pain grips me inside as I look in. Seeing some of my friends discuss their school year and classrooms, especially those I started education with, a heaviness comes up in my chest and throat. I should be with them. I should be getting stuff for my classroom. I should be graduated and with a salary and a better place of my own by now, but I am not prepping for new students to teach and instead am stressed out trying to graduate and to find steady work I can do with no luck at the current moment.

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I must work on my phobias and get my OCD under control because it's all ruined my life for far too long and I have allowed to do so. I can't cater to my fears any longer. Maybe, just maybe, one day I will get the life I always hoped to have. Well, no one said I had to stop dreaming, no matter how unrealistic it seems. I know it's all unrealistic, but when the dreams stop, so does the hope of a brighter future and the loss of hope is the loss of everything. Once you lose all hope of something getting better, life is over and I couldn't possibly live if I didn't have a small hope left of a better tomorrow. So, I will keep working on it and keeping hoping that one day, one day things truly will get better. I couldn't function if I told myself otherwise.

On a separate note, as a new school year comes upon us, let us all remember the families affected by tragedy and how hard it will be for parents who lose their children and won't be going through any of the motions they should be due to needless loss. I may feel sad, but my sadness will never come close to theirs. I will be thinking of such families. I will be thinking also of children who have a very difficult time in school or who may be bullied and are dreading a new school year and hope this year that things will be better for them.
(Images from Microsoft Office and NHS.uk)