I have a confession to make...I have emetophobia. What is emetophobia? It's a very intense and quite irrational fear of vomit or vomiting. It is both for me.
I am not really sure when it all started, but I was very young, like six when I think the fear manifested itself. Now at age 24 I still have it and for any unaware readers, it sucks. I can't do so many things because this fear does control my life and so far no therapist had been able to help me. Unlike some fears, the act of vomiting isn't enough to cure it. Since my first panic attack related to vomit at the age of six I have vomited a few times and I can actually tell you how many times I have thrown up in my life as well. That's the life of an emetophobe. All were mild bugs for the most part, but none of the times were enough to stop my fear of puking. During the act and right after, you do think it's not that bad, but once better and life starts again, the fear comes right back the next time someone says they don't feel well. I dread every fall knowing the stomach viruses will be coming again in full force.
That's the other thing. As soon as someone says they don't feel well, the unease comes instantly and I become shaky before I even know what's wrong with them. And when someone says their stomach hurts, the adrenaline starts pumping through my veins. If they say they feel like they wanna puke, it's over and I want to run from the room and disinfect everything and when I am home I do. And I shower and make sure to get every millimeter I think may have been exposed to the sickness. It's not normal. And for years I believed I was the only one with this problem. No one else would run from the room at the thought of illness in someone. No one else seemed to be constantly living in fear of seeing vomit or someone vomiting.
The rituals are ridiculous and I have also been diagnosed with OCD because of my fearful obsessions and compulsive behavior related to emetophobia and I do think emetophobia and OCD are related. I have heard it said that emetophobia is an OCD and it's not per say, but let's face it, OCD often seems to manifest itself in this phobia because it creates obsessions and compulsions that are far from the norm.
I notice and do things normal people don't do. And by normal, I mean the average person.
When there's a parked car at the side of the road, I panic and fear someone pulled over to get sick. I have not seen anyone pulled over to get sick because I notice. They are almost always broken down or seem lost or need to secure something better. Twice I can recall seeing someone getting sick while driving and I went into a full-fledged panic attack.
I almost never go out to eat and when I do I eat very little because I fear someone will throw up or I will see vomit and get sick after I eat.
I refuse to drink for fear of becoming ill and avoid others who are drinking or partying thinking they will vomit.
I will not go into a bar or club because people throw up in them all the time.
I fear going near a school. Though I would love to be a teacher, I cannot do so because kids will throw up and I can't deal with the stomach bugs that float around schools all the time.
I won't fly or go in a boat or use public transportation because I will see vomit and panic or someone will vomit and I cannot escape.
I watch sell-by dates and am gun-ho on not cross contaminating my raw meats with cooked foods and raw fruits and vegetables.
I will not eat certain vegetables or salad mixes until I see someone else eat it and after 24-48 hours and I can see that they are not ill so I won't get food poisoning.
I overcook my meats and pastas and rice often because it's better to be too done than underdone.
I rarely eat meats or most vegetables or some fruits out and especially if they are cut up beforehand because I don't trust that they did it right and I won't get sick. Norovirus is often spread through contaminated foods from an infected person, especially lettuce.
While I really, really want children one day the idea of being pregnant and having morning sickness is terrifying and even more so is the reality that yes, children will get sick and how I will handle it. I don’t want to run away when they throw up. That’s when they want and need attention most of all, when they are sick. How can I deal? I honestly don’t know right now.
I watch all around me all the time overly aware of people who don't look well in my book and the possibility of vomit on the ground. Spilled things worry me until I realize what it actually is because my mind goes to one thing before any rational part can get there and that is "vomit!" Rainy days are best because puke washes away in the rain.
It doesn't matter how many times I have seen vomit, seen someone vomit or vomited myself, this fear is still there and it controls everything. And why, oh why, does it seem that people feel the need to tell me specifically about how they were vomiting and having diarrhea really bad last night? Or their children were? Why are you here? Why are you working? Why are your children here if you are sick? Please, please just stay home! I know many people see my fear as irrational and it is, but I do have this fear and telling me about your child puking up triple berry pancakes over the side of his bed this morning is not something I want to hear about. It's way, way worse than hearing about your toddler pooping in the big boy potty all by himself yesterday, though I don't wanna hear that either, but at least I know your tot was probably quite proud of himself. Not so with vomit stories. I don't want to know.
A few weeks ago a story came across my local news that local schools have been hit hard with the stomach bug and I panic. Though I have no children, let alone school age children, I go to a college with people who have young children and people have been catching nasty bugs right now. From October to May, I want to wear a hazmat suit. I seriously would if I wouldn’t look insane.
It wasn't until about a year ago that I learned my condition had a name and that is a leading phobia. I have discovered via internet that I am not alone in this phobia and I was reading lists of what other emetophobias claimed to do and I was in total shock because it was like I was reading about my life. There's nothing more comforting than to know that you are not a freak, that you are not alone in your problems.
Fellow emetophobics of the world, you are not alone. If you feel jittery when someone says they don’t feel well before you even know if it is their stomach that feels sick, I can relate. If parked cars and eating out make you nervous, I get it. Take heart. I truly do understand you. And so do about 1 million others. We can all get through this, no matter how scary it is. Never give up, it can be cured and life is worth it.
With Love,
CMarie
